Like many folks I have ambitious moments when I decide to take on a big project only to realize that I have “bitten off more than I can chew” (as my grandparents used to say.) My parishioners in the local church where I serve as minister undoubtedly have stories about something I got excited about only to set it aside not long afterwards. Yes, I find it more than a little embarrassing that I have trouble holding to commitments. Fortunately, I know that I am not alone with that particular problem!

Unfortunately, I have an additional challenge: I have depression. Not only do I have trouble with my follow-through, but I also struggle with moods that frequently make ordinary tasks seem incredibly difficult. A crushing feeling of abject failure or an overwhelming sense of hopelessness make it very hard to carry out regular duties to say nothing of anything that requires special effort.

When I started «Fides quaerens intellectum» I had high hopes for what I could accomplish with this website. My mind ran in so many directions, and I thought I’d have ample opportunity to explore many (if not all) of them. I could only see limitless possibilities.

But then my old “friend” depression showed up and reminded me that exploring all those options may not always be possible for me. That’s one reason I have yet to produce a second installment to my series “What Good is God?” Depression has grabbed a hold of me and made it incredibly difficult to write about theology.

Depression for me is a crisis of faith of gigantic proportions. Our Christian tradition rests on the theological virtues of faith, hope, and love. Love doesn’t present a particular challenge for me, but the other two — especially hope — seem beyond my reach at times.

As a preacher I exhort my parishioners to see God in the little workings of our everyday lives. I recognize that too often sin and suffering take a more visible role in the world. I try to help our people see with eyes of faith that enable us to have hope that God is at work in the world — a hope that sin and suffering are not the final word. In short, I am encouraging people to look for grace.

Depression, however, interferes with that process within my own mind. I often do not see grace at work in the world at all. Many times I find myself wondering if life is even worth living at all. Looking into the future all I see is a great darkness of death and destruction — all consequences of human misdeeds. I can’t see any light there.

I think it is safe to to say that at its root the Christian faith makes two important assertions about human existence: (1) the world — despite all appearances to the contrary — is a good world and (2) our lives — despite all appearances to the contrary — have meaning. We call this source of goodness and meaning “God.” Empowered by this insight, as beloved children of God, we are sent out into the world as a healing presence for righteous, justice, and peace.

That all sounds well and good, but when I’m in the stranglehold of depression those words ring awfully empty. I cannot — no matter how hard I try — see the world as a good place. Likewise, my mediocre, bourgeois life does not appear to have much in the way of meaning.  Furthermore, it is equally hard to see myself as a beloved child of God.

How do I look for grace when I’m being sucked down the drain?